Ah, my dear angry Lord,
Since thou dost love, yet strike;
Cast down, yet help afford;
Sure I will do the like.
I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sour-sweet days
I will lament and love.
These words describe the purpose for this blog better than I ever could. So even as I write this post and wonder if I should start a blog at all, I am glad that a poet and Anglican priest had beautiful words to say in the early 1600’s. And I must agree that I have things to share too, even if timidly.
Perhaps, I am timid because this “dear angry Lord” Herbert writes about has changed me. Pretty drastically in the past year (insert angry conversations with God as seen in the poem). And because of this, I am learning who I truly am and how to step into my calling. I’m coming to realize that writing is part of that calling, but I’m nervous.
I’m nervous because of my unconventional journey. I’m a 25 year old unemployed female with adrenal fatigue. Although, I’m aware that the previous sentence doesn’t define me in the ultimate sense, yet it also does in many ways. The words that will be shared throughout this blog come from me lying awake at night unable to sleep, even though I’m exhausted. Or from still mornings in the kitchen listening to Sleeping at Last and making another bowl of oatmeal. Or from lying on the couch for several hours because I can’t get up. I live with chronic debilitating fatigue-and this taints how I see the world, view myself, and know God as Father.
While I cannot always tangibly experience physical health for myself, even in the midst of self-care, my emotions have deepened. I have learned to feel accurately, both in the grieving and laughter. There is a time for both. In close friendship, I continue to experience the limit of words, and together we share tears, stillness, joy and the stability of love in gut-wrenching, weary days. So as I begin this blogging journey, I do so with the knowledge that I must first live my sour-sweet days committed to lament and love. I will not manufacture a different life online, one that appears to be easier or happier. The days ahead will be messy-but if you also desire to journey in feeling deeply, please join me.
Welcome to Lament & Love.