Why I Wrote About My Assault

To be honest, one day I just starting writing different scenes down-and out they came.  None of those posts took a long time to write at all.

I’m learning to lean into my body and my intuition, and my intuition simply told me that it was time to write.  I had been quiet long enough.  And I was ready.

Quite honestly in being publicly quiet for two years, I felt the weight of patriarchy.  I felt that those in power wanted me quiet.  When a lawyer-and a female lawyer at that-wouldn’t take my case, I was faced with the powers that wouldn’t take a case unless they knew they could win.  I was faced with the politics and the money, and the question, “Who will speak for me?”  The answer that became real to me as I healed was that I must speak for myself.

I’ve been following the Larry Nassar case since last fall.  Too many details were the exact same.  And USA Gymnastics’ headquarters are in Indy.  Both of the details mattered to me.  I knew that I lived in a state where a lot of cover-up was happening.

As I engaged in yoga, meditation, and started going to a massage therapist, I was able to be more grounded in the present and let go.  I could write about the assault and not have it scare me so much.  It still was painful, but dealing with trauma and injustice always is.  However, I could separate from the past and present-which was absolutely necessary before I started writing.  I also learned to trust being in a healing space which was actually healing.  I learned to let my body speak and direct me again.

I wrote to heal  myself.  I also wrote for all those who have experienced sexual assault at the hands of a doctor.

Also, I believe that vulnerability encourages vulnerability.  I may never know the effects of sharing my story, but that part doesn’t really matter.  Showing up in our story makes all of us more human.  I wrote because it was time that I show up in my story more fully, to let my intuition guide me, rather than follow culture’s lead of living in my head.

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