December and January have been deeply healing months. I knew that I needed to slow down; that I needed to show up to myself more fully.
I wanted my smile to come back. I turned to nature, knowing that I also needed some time to hibernate, that I needed to let certain things die, without knowing where this journey would end up. Historically, my healing accelerates in the winter, and so I intentionally have made time to invest in myself at the start of this year.
I intentionally took a 4 week Christmas break. It was so restful & needed. I had a session with my therapist. I set up an individual healing session with a resident teacher at my old yoga studio. I have been participating in a weekly breathing circle. I’m learning Qigong. I traveled to Chicago to attend Mystic Soul and visit with friends. I celebrated my birthday & came out as an asexual. I took several epsom salt baths. I loved myself well.
What has been the result of all this healing work is a lot of grief dissolving, allowing creativity to come forward. I’ve needed time to continue to explore certain spiritual practices in order to figure out how I am going to grow my energy reserve as I continue to grow my business and work more hours.
What this looks like right now is that I’m writing a book! I have no idea where this will lead, but right now, I’m just focused on my shitty first draft. It’s a memoir; my journey with chronic illness and the gifts that come along the way. I wake up every morning, do some breathwork and then dive into writing for about 25 minutes, at the beginning of my day. It’s becoming a beautiful rhythm, and a wonderful way to start my day, and my resistance to show up to my story is lessening day by day.
Although I still live in my body day to day and am affected my by illness, I’m gaining the skill to look at my life more objectively.
I’m learning to say, “The fact that I have a chronic illness is not my fault, and yet I do have the responsibility to show up in my body and be attentive to the lessons it gives.”
What I keep coming back to is that autoimmune disease is the pattern of the body attacking itself. There’s a scientific way to describe this, but that’s not what I’m interested in now. What I’m interested in is that in order for my body to attack itself—I must have moved very far away from my true self. I must have tried to conform to someone that I was never meant to be.
So I’m learning to stop throughout the day and breathe. I’m learning to check in with myself, to feel my own energy, to understand my own essence.
At Mystic Soul, we were encouraged to sit with this question:
“Who are you and how do you know?”
In one sense, I will be answering this question for the rest of my life. In another, I am a healer, a witness, a truth-teller, an advocate, a friend. I am a work-in-progress–yet there are spiritual dimensions to stepping into my own narrative, telling my own story. Ultimately showing up to myself, so that I can show up with others.