So last week, I got my hair cut. Well, I should say that the right side of my head got shaved, and the left side of my hair just got a quick trim.
I was nervous, but it took 20 minutes and then it was over. I looked in the mirror & absolutely loved it.
A friend who regularly asks me deeper questions, saw me this past week and truly wanted to know why I cut my hair.
I gave a simple answer like, “It was just time. I wanted something different.”
Which is true. And yet, something much deeper is also going on inside me. So I’m seeking to revisit her question and to find words for this deeper place.
My hair is an outward sign of what it feels like on the inside, a deeper coming home to myself. A deeper acceptance of my sexuality, an expansion of my curiosity, the capacity to hold deep nuance within my body.
My hair right now is also a symbol of learning to have more capacity to hold onto what is good about the old, and know that the new is exciting and it also means starting over. I’m not the same person I was a month ago, even a day ago, yet I must not neglect my past either. I must have deep compassion and love for all of me–at all times of my life.
Shaving my head is a lot about letting go–of the scripts I was told to follow, of who I was told I was, of my deep & cyclical self-doubt and questioning, of just listening to my head, to the neglect of my heart & body. Shaving my head is about imagining something new.
Keeping some of my hair is about deep self-love, for choosing not to just throw my past away, but know that it has shaped me in deep ways. It reminds me of all the times, I have cut my hair short, then let it grow out. But the length it is now has always been my favorite.
In the present, having long hair and short hair, encourages me to see both/and. Our stories, individual and collective, are complex, nuanced & beautiful. Our thinking brain likes to separate into good/bad, facts & data & analysis. Yet if our intuition spoke, if our bodies spoke more loudly than our minds and we listened, we would speak in narrative much more often. First remembering our own. That we are darkness & light, maybe even perhaps not so stark. Maybe a room at dusk, with the sun setting, yet still shining in.
Maybe in witnessing our own in-between-ness, we will see this in others & show up in all our conviction, passion, empathy & groundedness and listen.
My hair is helping me witness my own in-between-ness, my own parts of myself that I can’t quite put into words. Because mystery is a large part of this whole dance too.