The practice of reflection and setting goals in the New Year is a funny one to me. The mind can dream big and it can play small. We can express lofty hopes or hide behind our fears.
This practice isn’t “bad”; I engage in it myself. And yet the good-bad binary doesn’t get us very far. What struck me today, as it does most days, is that my body has far more to say than my mind. I’ve been socialized to see what my mind has to say as more valid, more important, more urgent, more in need of attention, love & care. This is what colonization does; elevate the mind to the detriment of everything else—mind, soul & spirit.
I slept well last night, even though I went to bed past midnight. But I woke up exhausted, sad even. I engaged in my morning rituals and practices, and felt a little more energized. But by the time I got out of the shower, I was exhausted again. I felt tender, and just let the tears come.
My mind had all sorts of things to say.
“Push through; there’s stuff you wanted to do today.”
“It’s the New Year, you’re not supposed to feel sad.”
“Maybe tweaking what you eat for lunch will make you less tired.”
I’ve had lots of practice not pushing through. Of resting. Of cancelling. Of saying no. These phrases were old tapes, yes. But also just not as nourishing as accepting the tears as they came. The tears doing all the expression of disappointment without my mind needing to rush all over the place.
Yes, it’s New Years. And it’s just another day to practice. It’s a day to validate my emotions, validate how my body feels, and let my feelings and sensations lead the way. Validating how I actually feel, rather than how I want to feel. Taking the time to be in the moment with myself. The invitation is always there.
The invitation to receive, to be vulnerable, to rest, to feel how I feel. This invitation can be painful, and yet as I cried today, I knew it to be a gift. A gift to let my day be reorganized based on what my body can do, what it needs. And to smile towards myself for listening.