Some Late May Thoughts…

Sunset in Cicero, IN, May 2019.

A lot is starting to settle. It’s the end of the school year, and internally I’m doing a lot of reflecting. Gratitude is rising to the surface. Acknowledging the movement and accomplishments thus far, seems important.

I remember last summer. The increased energy I had. The nervousness and excitement as I looked forward to fall–with the ability to do more than I had in 5 or 6 years. I didn’t know if I was choosing to do too much. Like any illness though, you just have to try and adjust as needed.

I’m here to say, that I made it! There were many tiring days, as there will be! And yet I started my second year of my spiritual direction program, I embarked on my second year with my business, my students and families, I led a book group, and became more integrated within my church and with the online chronic fatigue community. I’m getting help creating a new website which will be up mid-summer!

I took time to rest, and yet realized I still needed more. I spent a short weekend up in Michigan, which I promised myself I would do more of. I’ve read tons of books, adjusted spiritual practices, have allowed myself to grieve, and laugh, go blueberry picking and apple picking, and not go to church on snow days. I’ve gone on many walks, visiting so many parks.

I’ve been examining my belief that “once I become healthier, I need to start doing more again.” Unearthing all that goes into this belief, has been a huge part of my year. Because I also want to rest more, to lean into pleasure, to be less productive just because. I want to explore without an agenda.

My worth isn’t tied to my work, and I am proud of the work that I do.

I do need quite a bit of time in solitude, and I long to be connected to community, even as my understanding of community continues to change and shift.

I feel like what is being brought to the surface is that I don’t need to punish myself for acknowledging my privileges. I can still be deeply connected to pleasure and to ask for what I need and be a white person.

Showing up to pleasure does not mean that I’m going to forget that I’m white! Sure, things can be challenging and confusing. And good things can also be filled with ease and joy. Sometimes, many times, actually I just don’t need to try that hard.

There will be many that don’t agree with this, and yet I am following my body’s wisdom. (And Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown is a pretty great book too!) I do believe that I’m on this earth to experience rest, joy, and pleasure. And I want to practice these things more with myself and with others.

Oh–and I’ve been writing this blog for over 4 years, since I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. Writing this has been a joy, my lifeline, my way to find myself again over and over. This blog will probably be changing soon, and I hope you will still come and read what I’m writing on my new website.

As for gratitude, here’s a few things that have made me smile recently.

  • Sunsets in Cicero, Indiana on Morse Reservoir
  • The children’s book Stonewall: A Building, an Uprising, A Revolution
  • Gluten-free lemon cake from Aldi!
  • Walks at Cool Creek Park with Cash
  • Disability Visibility Podcast with Alice Wong
  • Saturday morning farmer’s markets
  • My writing soon to be published on The Mighty!
  • Red Refresh Herbal Tea
  • The Nap Ministry

You may see less posts this summer to leave time for adventures and exploring. As summer comes, I’m going to relish time to just be.

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